Welcome to Ask Annabelle, our in-house snail mail advice column. This week, Annabelle fields questions about the age old custom of R.S.V.P.ing — a social norm that is prone to leaving many of us guessing. Do you have a question for Annabelle? Email us at info@dearannabelle.com
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Dear Annabelle,
I’ve googled R.S.V.P. and know that it stands for répondez s’il vous plaît, or respond if you please. Tell me: why do we use the acronym for the French version, and not the English?
Best,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Your question points to a deep truth: all things French are simply...classier. And it seems we English-speakers have known this for centuries; along with many other commonly used French phrases (c'est la vie, anyone?) répondez s’il vous plaît was adopted in the 1800s as an elegant way to ask for a confirmation of attendance, and it stuck. Thankfully for those of us who failed French class, its acronym is quick and free of accent marks. Just make sure you use periods between the letters, as etiquette maven Emily Post advised.
Best,
Annabelle
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Dear Annabelle,
I’ve been invited to an informal potluck dinner, where we were told to bring a dish to share. It’s also B.Y.O.B. If all the food and drink will be taken care of by the guests, why did they ask us to R.S.V.P. ? Do I need to?
Thanks,
Stumped
Dear Stumped,
The short answer is yes. The longer answer requires a little imaginative thinking. Put yourself in your host’s shoes during the moments before their potluck begins. Instead of thinking: Will anyone come to my party? Am I a total loser? They can know exactly how many people will walk through their door, and can have enough seats, napkins, glasses, and playlist songs for everyone. Cue sigh of relief.
Best,
Annabelle
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Dear Annabelle,
I’m getting married in a few months, and there are a few people who have still not R.S.V.P. ’d, even after I’ve sent a follow up email. What to do? I need a headcount, A.S.A.P.
Best,
Hitched
Dear Hitched,
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! This is indeed an awkward situation you’re in, and I won’t hold back from saying those who have not R.S.V.P. ’d are not being considerate. But supposing you’re willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and allow them to come to your wedding anyway, it’s time to send them a straightforward message reminding them to répondez immediatement. This can be easier to do over text, as it’s harder to ignore than an email. Need help finding the words? Try: Hi friend! We’re finalizing our wedding guest list and we need you to R.S.V.P. Thanks and hope to see you there!
Best,
Annabelle
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Dear Annabelle,
If I’m not sure if I can make it to something, is it better to R.S.V.P. no immediately and then let them know later if I can come, or the reverse?
Thanks!
Non-committal
Dear Non-committal,
First, ask yourself this question: Do you want to attend the event? If you genuinely do but are worried about conflicting plans, let your host know that you are going to try to rearrange your schedule to be able to make it, then follow up with your final plans as soon as you can. If you don’t want to attend the event, or are ambivalent about it, the R.S.V.P. window is the time to decline. It’s much better to let your host know you won’t be there weeks — rather than hours — before their event, so that they can plan accordingly.
Best,
Annabelle
