Writing thank you notes is a practice that not only projects gratitude to the recipient, but allows you to cultivate a sense of thankfulness within yourself. We know how good it feels to send one — but how do we teach that to our kids? And when?
We chatted with child psychologist Aliza Pressman, host of the podcast Raising Good Humans and author of the new book The 5 Principles of Parenting, who shared some tips on the subject. Read the interview to get the scoop on why and how to write thank you notes with kids.
Dear Annabelle: You're big on teaching kiddos to write thank you notes. Tell us a bit about why it's important.
Aliza Pressman: Writing thank you notes helps children develop several life skills. Most importantly, it builds gratitude awareness — the ability to notice and appreciate what others do for you. This also teaches empathy by encouraging kids to think about the giver’s feelings and intentions. Thank you notes develop social skills and etiquette, showing children how to strengthen relationships through acknowledgment and appreciation. It also helps build communication skills and teaches responsibility and follow-through — completing a task that benefits someone else, even when it’s not immediately rewarding for them.
DA: How do you make thank you notes fun, and not feel like a chore?
AP: The key is to focus connection over perfect content. Emphasizing the relationship and experience of how the giver will feel upon receiving the note as well as how your child felt receiving the gift is a far more important focus than perfect spelling, handwriting or formal language. Enlist your kids to pick out the stationary — consider colored pens and a dedicated writing spot. Timing matters too — strike while the gratitude is fresh, ideally within a few days of receiving a gift, and not when they are feeling tired, hungry or focused on doing something else. Let kids personalize their approach — if one prefers drawing, let them. If one wants to dictate to you, help them!
DA: How would you suggest approaching this project with different age groups?
AP: Young children, ages 2-4, can scribble or draw pictures while you write short title that explains the picture. Or they might tell you what they want to say, and you can let them dictate while you write. This teaches them to engage early, that their thoughts matter and that you can help share with others.
Kids ages 5-7 can write or dictate simple sentences with your help. If they want to write themselves, let them write whatever they want and avoid criticizing and correcting. You want them to like doing this. If you are writing what they dictate, encourage them to focus on one specific thing they liked: “I love the red car because it goes fast.”
Children ages 8-11 can write independently with prompts if needed. Encourage them to mention specific details about the gift and how they plan to use it. This is a great age to introduce the basic structure: thank them, mention the specific gift, say something personal about it, and reference the relationship.
Tweens and teens should handle the entire process themselves, from remembering to write notes to addressing and mailing them. If this is new for them, remind them and make it easy to follow through.
The goal is raising children who naturally notice thoughtfulness, appreciate it and feel motivated to acknowledge it.
Dive deeper with Aliza by reading her book, listening to her podcast, signing up for her newsletter, or following her on Instagram. Find all this and more on her website.
