A 30-something reader of my Advice Column Dear Annabelle recently wrote to me about settling for a man instead of holding out for Mr. Perfect. Should you start settling after leaving your 20s?
When I watched Sex and the City, I was in my mid twenties and I loved it. When I re-watched it in my thirties, it took on a whole new meaning for me. Four single women in their 30s taking it remarkably well (except Charlotte whose feelings on being single in my opinion represents most American Women).
I will never forget the episode where Carrie’s beautiful blond friend marries a balding but successful man and whispers to Carrie before walking down the aisle. Always marry someone who loves you more than you love them.
She’s settling with Mr. Stability because she’s in her 30s and afraid she’d never meet the right person.
When I first saw this episode in my 20s, I was horrified at her decision. In my 30s, I kinda get it. Which brings me to the point at hand.
Should You Settle?
Settle might be an even more terrifying S word than single. Should you settle? Ultimately, no. Why? Because it’s going to end in divorce. Staying married is hard enough with the pressures of the American Dream breathing down your neck. If you’re married to a partner who you’re “kind of in love with,” the pressures of life will quickly fold your relationship.
And that’s the end of this installment of Dear Annabelle… Not really. While I don’t think you should settle. I do think you need to do one very important thing.
Lower Your Expectations of Mr. Perfect:
Women have really high expectations when it comes to love. They have a laundry list of requirements and cross men off their list before ever giving them a chance.
You might say that I’m mincing words and they mean the same thing. Settling = Lowering your expectations, but it’s not. I think inflated expectations is one reason why women in their 30s remain single.
You’re successful and demand to have an equal partner in life. Which you deserve. The problem is that you’re pretty amazing and are expecting someone equally amazing in every way. Maybe instead of looking for a clone of yourself, you should be looking for a match who balances you out.
Have you ever written out your list of requirements a man must meet in order for you to date them? Does it look something like the list below?
- Over 6 feet tall
- Handsome
- Kind
- Has all his hair
- Great sense of humor
- Great in bed
- Physically fit
- Worldly
- Makes over 6 figures
- Is xyz religion
- Has xyz political views
- Loves his family
- Never married
- Doesn’t have children
- Etc Etc Etc
I bet your list is even longer and more detailed. Have you ever noticed that you basically made a list of yourself but in male form. Women look for a clone of themselves because they want to share everything with their partner. What you’re forgetting is that it’s our differences that make us compatible and help us to grow as a couple.
It’s time to revamp your list. You get 3 bullet points. Here’s mine:
- Kind
- Funny
- Likes animals
These are the three most important things to me and they’re pretty simple. Stop setting yourself up for being alone forever! Don’t judge a guy by how he looks on paper. A lot of guys who look great on paper, are crap in real life and vice versa.
I can’t tell you how many women I know who are married to great guys who are the total opposite of who they imagined themselves marrying. There is no Mr. Perfect. There is only perfect for you. So put all your rules and bs aside and start dating everyone. Give every guy who asks you out a chance unless he is decidedly unattractive (you can’t force that) or gives you a creepy serial killer vibe.
You never know, one of them might surprise you.
Check back tomorrow for a reader’s question about a Love Triangle.
