This question comes from a reader who’s been cheating on his wife. Boo! Is he going through a mid-life crisis or is something more sinister at work?
Dear Annabelle,
My wife and I were high school sweethearts and have been married for almost twenty years. I love my wife and we have a happily married but I feel like something is missing. For about the last few years I’ve been cheating. A lot. I get bj’s in my car from waitresses, carry on affairs with mothers of my children’s friends and in a pinch, I even go to massage parlors. My wife knows something is going on and we fight about it. I want to stop but for some reason, I don’t. I have friends who are my age and haven’t even gotten married yet and here I am settled with three kids. Having sex with these woman is the only thing that gets me excited anymore. It makes me feel alive. I’m afraid I’m ruining my marriage. I don’t want a divorce. What should I do.
First of all. You kinda sound like a douche. I’m sorry but a married man who goes to “washy-washy” and expects sympathy isn’t taking his wife or children’s feelings into consideration. I’m surprised you didn’t touch on what’s patently obvious…
You’re going through a mid-life crisis.
Did that never occur to you? You don’t have to be 40 to have a mid-life crisis. You jump started your life by marrying young so where you are in your life is where most 40 year are when they start to crack. Everyone goes through phases in their life where they question if they took the right road. They’re not as happy as they once were and wonder if they ever will be again. It’s normal. It doesn’t give you license to stick it in every available vagina.
Are you wondering if you have a sex addiction in hopes that it can justify your actions? I don’t get the impression that you are a sex addict but I don’t know you well enough to make that assertion. Some traits of sex addiction are:
- Compulsive masturbation.
- Not just at home. At work, in the car, in the bathroom at a bar.
- Extreme use of pornography.
- Do you look at porn all the time? Not a little, a lot. Emphasis on the word extreme.
- Multiple anonymous partners, affairs or one night stands.
- You certainly do this.
- Use of prostitutes
- Massage parlors are a form of prostitution. Do you ever seek them out in any other way?
- Feelings of guilt and shame associated with sex.
- Do you feel remorse and shameful the next day?
- Participate in risky sexual encounters.
- Do you participate in unsafe or dangerous sex?
- Sex addicts often have other addictive behaviors.
- Do you have an addictive personality? Are you addicted to alcohol, drugs or gambling?
- Sex is interfering with your personal and work life.
- We already know your cheating is effecting your marriage. Are you unable to be productive at work because you are obsessed with sex? Have you lost friendships because of your behavior?
- Voyeurism
- Are you a peeping tom?
- Exhibitionism
- Do you ever flash anyone or engage in sexual activity while others are watching?
- Rape
- Have you ever been forceful with anyone and forced yourself on them?
Does this sound like you? If it’s starting to ring a bell, you need to get yourself into treatment right away. There are 12-step programs designed like AA that will help you.
Assuming you’re not a sex addict and just going through a mid-life crisis, here’s my advice.
First. Get tested for every single STD there is. You have no idea what you’ve contracted and you’re putting your wife at risk. Shame on you. If you keep cheating, wear a freaking condom.
Second. Go to couples counseling with a therapist who’s willing to coach your sex life. You need a therapist who is comfortable with discussing your sex life and who will give you sex games to go home with and help you to reconnect sexually with your wife.
You seem to get excited by sex play that isn’t conventional. Why not try role-playing with your wife? Get a sitter for the kids and meet at a bar. Drive separately and pretend you’re strangers. Go up and talk to her, buy her a drink and then go outside to your car and let your wife give you the blow job. Start having sex where you’re not supposed to.
Like in the dressing room of a clothing store or the bathroom of a restaurant. Going to a party at a friend’s house? Have a quickie in their powder room. Not only will you reconnect sexually with your wife but you’ll reconnect emotionally as well. Read my column on Open Marriage. I don’t necessarily think and open relationship will save your marriage but it’s something to consider.
My last piece of advice (that your therapist will probably disagree with) is don’t tell your wife about the affairs. If you put a stop to your cheating and vow to never do it again, you should keep it to yourself. If I was your wife and you told me; I’d dump your ass so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you. If you commit yourself to monogamy, what’s in the past should stay there.
Bottom line – you have to stop cheating. It is disrespectful to your wife and when she catches you, you can kiss your life as you know it good-bye.
