Relationships are complicated to begin with and the stakes get even higher when kids are involved. This question comes from a reader who’s boyfriend got upset when her baby daddy wanted to spend time with their daughter…
Dear Annabelle,
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 7 months and I believe everything is going great. He 41, has never dated a woman with a child and I have a 6 year old daughter named Annabelle. Her father is mostly out of the picture but he sees her like once a year. My boyfriend has gotten really close to her and threw a fit when she went with my ex today. My boyfriend made it seem like he was mad because he is an ex. Is it more than that? Is he jealous that she is with her Dad and not him? If so, how can I be there for him so he doesn’t have these insecurities?
What a tough situation. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned insecurities. He’s become attached to Annabelle (which is awesome) but along with attachment comes insecurity. Because your daughter only sees her biological father once a year, your boyfriend was probably caught off guard when her dad came around. I don’t think it had anything to do with him being your ex because you weren’t the one going with him – Annabelle was. He’s probably feeling very protective of Annabelle because he is starting to feel like her father and when her “real” father came knocking, it stirred up some pretty heavy emotions – fear being the foremost.
A lot of people (especially men) don’t know how to deal with their emotions and become angry because it’s easier. My guess is that his anger was fueled by the fear of Annabelle’s biological father negatively impacting or even minimizing their relationship. While you know that isn’t realistic given your ex’s track record of not being involved in her life; your boyfriend doesn’t know what to expect and is working off of emotion, not logic. All he knows is that he cares about your daughter and your ex is a direct threat.
My advice would be to sit down (after things have cooled down) and talk to him about it. Make sure to start the conversation with the positives of “I’m so happy you’re in my and Annabelle’s life. We both care about you very much…” and then ask him what about your ex returning upset him. Make sure to point out that your ex is infrequently in Annabelle’s life but as her biological father she has to right to get to know him (no matter how sporadically). The key to this conversation is reinforcing how important your boyfriend is to both of you but remaining firm that her biological father will continue to see her from time to time until she is old enough to decide if she wants to cut her absentee dad from her life.
I think this first visit was a shock because your ex became real to your boyfriend as opposed to just being “Annabelle’s dad who’s never around.” As your relationship grows stronger and your ex fades into the background again, he will begin to gain more confidence and hopefully the next time your ex comes around, he’ll be better prepared emotionally.
Want More Annabelle? Check out our next column: Fading Relationship. Is it over?
